For you, Drew.
All of my letters to you in the past have been filled with love, affection, and desperation. This one won’t be. However, that doesn’t mean that I still don’t feel all of those things towards you and, regarding you in some way.
It’s difficult to put into words what we have been through and what it all means. You were a great love in my life -perhaps you still might be- not the love of my life (if there is such a thing), but a big one. One I’ll remember, one I’ll cherish, one I’ll tell my grandchildren about. Our love was dramatic, chaotic, passionate, but most of all – toxic.
My love for you made me sick and losing it made me even sicker. I forgot who I was when I was with you and then when I was without you, I could only focus on getting you back but I never had the nerve to make the first move. I couldn’t see the bigger picture. I couldn’t see that I was torturing myself by trying to hold onto something that was gone. I couldn’t see that I was losing my mind trying to find “us”.
Yes, we both agreed on being friends, I know Drew. I know. But it’s too hard for me to be friends with you when the only thing that crosses my mind is a picture of us being together, having a life together. I am not going to say you don’t, maybe you do, I don’t know; but, maybe for you it’s easy to be friends with me because you already have someone you can love, someone close to you, someone you can hold, kiss, someone that helps you forget about the whole universe when you are with her, but even if I had someone too I wouldn’t be able to get over you because I simply don’t think that’s possible. You own a very big part of me, and I really hope you understand this.
I will wait for you, but please, just please don’t be a jerk. I am going to be honest; my friends saw that text you sent earlier at 1:06am, they thought it was ridiculous. They took my phone away because they know how stupid I get waiting for a text from you just saying hi and saying you want to be with me. They read that. And yeah… soz for being hopeful. They think you are an attention seeker, they think you wanted me to get jealous and eventually hated you because you looked like a jerk, wanker, tosser, twat… and so on.
I refuse to believe that because I’m blind. Because I can’t find any flaw in your clueless-self. I want my friends to like you, they have always been there for me when you haven’t. Please, don’t be a jerk.
I can’t and won’t put all of the blame on myself though. You knew very well that you were leading me on to believe that I still had a chance with you. You never really let go of me, I still don’t know if you have. When I would give you the space that you asked for, you would chase after me and get mad at me for “leaving”. You would tell me then how much you missed me and how you wished you could hold me. Then I would come crawling back, we’d talk again, ask about each other’s day and then you’d tell me you need space again, that we actually need to “try to be friends”. We were never friends, Drew, we weren’t friends before we even met. I don’t think we are friends now and I’m afraid we’ll never be. I liked you from the very beggining and I think you did too… we have never been friends.
I don’t necessarily regret the times I came crawling back like a lost puppy. I’m not going to say that staying up until late and talking to you over Skype while eating cheerios and laughing nonstop wasn’t fun. I’m not going to say that falling asleep while we were on a phone call, face to face, didn’t feel like home. And I’m definitely not going to say that all of the laughter, the jokes, the accent challenges we had, the cheesy texts, the good morning/night texts, the unexpected calls, the rekindled love wasn’t beautiful, magical, wasn’t exactly what I needed at the time. It was. It was. It was. But all of that false hope and that fake love was only putting small bandage on the gushing wound that was our demise. It made us feel good and that’s okay. What I regret is that I let myself believe it was real. I honestly thought we were going to be together no matter what. I honestly thought you still loved me, needed me and wanted me. That bandage stunted my healing (our healing) and now I’m so much further behind in moving on than I should be, and I think you might be too.
I know you won’t read this, but I want you to know that I never stopped loving you or wanting you until now, until today. I woke up this morning and realised that the man I fell in love with no longer existed. You are a different person now. You’re cold, and you are jaded. You might look at my chat with spite on your eyes, you might be thinking deep down that I am an absolute nutcase and that you didn’t even know what you were thinking when you first said you loved me. You might resent me. You might even hate me and maybe you don’t but my stupid mind keeps telling me that and that’s what kills me every night because I don’t know everything about you and… however. I think I will always care about you. When you do happen to cross my mind, I will send you light, I will send you gratitude and I will send you my forgiveness. I hope that one day you can think of me and do the same. I will miss you terribly, my big love.
I love you, I’ll wait for you.
Biscuits and Sparkles,