“Leaving is not enough. You must stay gone. Train your heart like a dog. Change the locks even on the house he’s never visited. You lucky, lucky girl. You have an apartment just your size. A bathtub full of tea. A heart the size of Arizona, but not nearly so arid. Don’t wish away your cracked past, your crooked toes, your problems are papier mache puppets you made or bought because the vendor at the market was so compelling you just had to have them. You had to have him. And you did. And now you pull down the bridge between your houses, you make him call before he visits, you take a lover for granted, you take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic. Make the first bottle you consume in this place a relic. Place it on whatever altar you fashion… Don’t lose too much weight. Stupid girls are always trying to disappear as revenge. And you are not stupid. You loved a man with more hands than a parade of beggars, and here you stand. Heart like a four-poster bed. Heart like a canvas. Heart leaking something so strong they can smell it in the street.”
(Frida Kahlo to Marty McConnell) – Marty McConnell.
I’ve spent three years building a wall. A wall to prohibit hurtful words and heartbreak. I built it so I wouldn’t feel, never dreaming I’d actually accomplish the feat.
I did. I built a wall so high, so wide it kept everything out— heartbreak, anger, jealousy, grief and the good things like love, affection, kindness. This wall I dreamed of, it destroyed the emotional element that makes my person who I am. Until recently, that was okay. My focus centered on school, both athletic performance and academic superiority. Inability to properly display emotion didn’t matter.
Except now it does. I’ve got a crush, and more importantly friendships to cultivate. But, if I’m honest I’m not quite sure how to do so. I want to say “I love you, I care about you” but the words die in my throat or end up getting deleted moments after I type them out. I want to display my affections through actions and touch yet my body won’t move. Not for him, not for them.
It’s a curious thing, this inability or more specifically this internal struggle. Things I used to be able to say and do with ease are now so foreign my brain struggles to comprehend it, let alone actually do it. I’m having to just spit it out and try not to cringe as I do so.
I don’t want to fear emotion, I want to feel. I want to feel sincerely. I want to be able to tell people they’re appreciated and loved, and not feel like I just uttered the dumbest, most illogical statement in the world because love is strong and there’s nothing less about it.
So it’s been three years of solitude, of nothingness and I want to tell you it did absolutely nothing for me (perhaps I’ve been more into self-discovery but the wall isn’t necessary for that) and now I’ve just got to reintroduce emotion— the legitimacy of feeling back into my life, it’s going to be a long road.
So from me to you: don’t build it. No matter how much it hurts, embrace the hurt. Cry, scream if you must, but don’t built the damn wall. It’s only going to hurt you long term. Embrace the emotions you possess, they are the gateway to love and living your life in the fullest sense.
Biscuits and sparkles,