Tom Matikainen; you’re my hero

You are more than I hoped to find, and I am so grateful for you.

February 14th, 2017 

Dear Tom,

I spent days writing this. I have been quite frustrated by the fact that I am not “that” allowed to mail stuff to your place the way you did. I felt pretty upset cause I can’t do much when it comes to special days like… exactly today. Today marks not only Valentine’s day to you but also two months since we first started talking -also a little reminder that it was the 14th to me when you first texted although it was the 15th to you. Bit messed up but I guess you understand.

My point is, this is what I can actually do for you.

I stutter a lot when we are on the phone, I swallow some words when we talk and that’s mainly cause I get nervous around you, in a good way. I am always writing about you whenever I find time to and I wanted to let you know how much my life has changed ever since you came into my life. I know this is not that good, -maybe it is- but I do this because I love you so so so so so soooooo much.

Take this little post as a pressie or just as some other letter, it’s up to you. I just need you to understand how proud I am to have you and how much I love you. Get ready cause here it goes baby.

You know what’s indescribable? My love for you. It goes beyond my own grasp of understanding. It reaches past anything I have ever felt before. It grows and encompasses everything. There are no suitable words in this language that I could possibly string together to describe it. This kind of love isn’t always easy. Each day doesn’t end like the ones where our bodies are curled together, quietly sharing every thought and story we can think of. Too many days end in one minute phone calls or unread messages, the feeling of constantly missing someone, tears, anger, and loneliness. But in those days my love for you still grows. I am working on trying to make those bad days few and far between. It is an incredible challenge, but it is one that I do not intend to lose for the sake of this love.

Your deep bright blue eyes sparkle, your shiny blonde hair that I want to run my hands through, your soft voice that can coax me to be kind instead of playing tricks like I usually do. Your jokes, puns, and nicknames never cease to make me laugh. Your cute little smile that opens up like a present. I never get tired of seeing it, and when you really laugh, I laugh too cause your happiness is contagious.

You.

I’m beginning to think you are the one I want.

You saved me in so many ways.

You came along at such an unexpected time. That time everyone tells you will eventually come, but you never truly believe will. When you’re still reminiscing through the old photos of you and the one who decided to walk out the door, trying painfully to push them out of your consciousness. When you think you are irreparably broken. When no amount of glue, or duct tape, or comforting words from your friends ever seem to be enough to make you feel whole. And when that kind of pain cuts deeper than any knife can, isn’t that what we all want? To feel a little more whole and a little less broken?

And then in some sort of cosmic intervention, there you were.

There you were, and I asked myself a million times how our paths couldn’t have crossed before. How someone like you had been hidden away from me for so long. I quickly decided it was because something as good as you wasn’t supposed to be experienced right away, as I would have needed more time to make my mistakes and have my heart broken before I could be truly ready for you. One look at you, and somehow I knew your smile would ruin me, and it was the beginning of the end of life as I had known it in my past. A life that felt like a blur of meaningless instances from one to the next, now had significance again.

Suddenly, I found myself smiling just a little more for no reason, wondering what you were doing in that exact moment I was sitting and thinking of you. Laughing out loud at your witty and sarcastic comebacks, in a way that I almost forgot I still could. Deliberating in my own mind how something could actually feel this good again. I wanted to dive head first into a love with you that consumed me, and the way you carefully took your time was hard for the impatient person in me to understand in that moment. You made me remember just how blissful and heavenly that feeling of falling for someone was, and how something so good just shouldn’t be rushed. You got to know me, cautiously yet vigilantly. At times you even felt too good to be true.

But there you were, bravely deciding you wouldn’t run, even though every fiber of your being reminded you how terrifying it was to open yourself up to the possibility that I could destroy you — the way someone else once did. I understand that. I was terrified, too. But you stayed, while I tirelessly worked to pick up all the shattered pieces of my soul and put them back together.

I think the reason people feel broken is because when love is lost, a part of us really does break. Like a part of our brain being deprived of oxygen, we find it hard to breathe, hard to get out of bed in the morning, hard to make meaning in what we used to. And then something or someone comes along, and injects a shot of lightning into our lifeless souls, and slowly but surely, we wake from that dream. We learn how to put one foot in front of the other, and see the significance in the smallest of joys. The broken parts of us get the fixing they need. And you did that for me.

Sometimes the light within us dims. And then by fate or chance, or maybe even luck, someone like you shows me that that light can burn bright once again. So thank you for fixing me. Thank you for fixing what I thought was permanently broken. Thank you for not running away when you found me damaged and less than complete. Thank you for reminding me what it feels like to be whole. You may never know how much you truly saved me. But I hope that every day I offer you my mended heart, as dented and bruised as it may be, you know that it’s yours. It’s the most precious gift I could ever give you. And maybe the light that now shines bright in me will help yours burn a little brighter too.

I am not quite sure I know what is different with you, but you make me feel like I’ve finally been found. You make my heart begin to fizz and bubble and jump – I feel myself falling more and more in love with you everyday. You make me wanna be better and I promise that I will be, for you.

The sound your kisses make through a phone call left me spinning and I swear your lips taste like stardust. I swear for a minute, I could fly. The warmth of your smile makes me feel like I am the sun, beaming and shining. I don’t know what I did to deserve you but please, don’t disappear into the night sky and find a galaxy that suits you more. Stay with me and let’s create constellations and name them after ourselves; let’s be the moon and the sun, the asteroids and the comets- black matter and the vastness of space.

Happy Valentine’s day baby, and thanks for being my hero.

ps. This is not part of the surprise I talked about yesterday. I asked you to forget about it but just so you know.

Rockets and Rainbows,

Your little girl.

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