October 3rd, 2017. 00:10hrs.
to the most amazing person in this whole universe:
starting letters that i write for you are usually the hardest cause i never know what to write. it’s not that I have nothing to say but because i have a lot to say to you. so let me start things off with telling you how thankful i am.
there are a lot of things to be thankful for when it comes to you. to be specific, there are the chances you give me, the kisses you leave me whenever you send a pouty-lip snap, the smiles you send my way, your quirky and funny replies making my day a hundred percent better, your worry when i don’t eat or sleep late, your reassuring words when i feel insecure or in doubt and a whole lot more. If i had the brain capacity (lol) to specifically remember them all at this very moment that i’m writing this letter, i would but you and i both know i don’t have that and you would (maybe) get bored of it. i’m also thankful of the fact that no matter how many times i mess things up, you are still there to tell me that it’s alright, it’s in the past and that you love me still. it’s crazy to find someone that’s willing to stay this long with someone like me but most of all, i’m thankful because you have been such a wonderful person. not only to me, but in general. you may think i’m lying and i’m just saying this to sound sweet but it’s genuine. you really are lovely.
being with you was an eye-opener. first of all, falling in love with you made it feel like i was flying and it felt great. i’ve told you before that love is a choice as much as it is also a feeling. it’s not that i went around looking and chose you, saying “i’m gonna pick him as my next lover”, that sounds silly but it’s the fact that out of all the options you have, you chose to let yourself love that person. fall in love with that person and trust me when i say i do not regret my choice. you have been giving me the best months with the best memories. we’ve made each other happy, sad, angry and any other emotion that you can think of. i can safely say that i do not regret you. mum always said to never regret something you wanted once.
i love you so much. i don’t think those words can ever express how much i do. it feels like my chest is on fire and my eyes are teary and i just want to burst out into a song or yell. if i painted the feelings you give me it would just be a huge abstract work of colors on the canvas. some would be aggressively laid down and some would be softly brushed against the canvas.
i don’t get how you can never believe me when i tell you you’re amazing but i guess nowadays, acknowledging your own power over people seems so rare and it’s sad because i want you to appreciate yourself as much as the world appreciates you, me included. you need to take care of yourself more as no one can be there for you as long as yourself can. harsh, i know, this is supposed to be a love letter but what’s a love letter if it doesn’t contain a little bit of reminder to love yourself too. a lot of people love and care about you and the only person we can count to take care of you when we aren’t around is yourself. i’m gonna stay as long as you want me to and as long as i can. i do wanna see you grow though and as much as possible.
i want us to grow together, not just “aging up” but being wiser and more mature in handling things while being young at heart still.
and as i end this i hope it somehow made you smile because i want nothing more than to make even just a fraction of your day.
i love you, sunshine.
I’m hooked at the thought of us being together at the same time.
The thought of a morning start up where i can feel your skin against mine as we spoon.. the thought of your scent rushing through the air into my nose as i breathe in, making me want to hold you tighter. The thought of seeing you smile while you say good morning, seeing that there would never be another person as amazing as you right then and there. I’m soo hooked on us starting our future together and this may make me sound like a hopeless romantic, but I don’t think this is a hopeless thing. I’m very hopeful at how our romance would last our life time. I’m very hopeful that i will get to see you. I really sodding love you and appreciate you.
Thank you baby for being here for me during my hard times, thank you for reassuring me that everything will be okay.. and knowing when i need to calm down.
I’m a handful, I know. I’m amazed at how much of a blessing you are to me. I’m soo lucky to have you as my boyfriend.
I love you with all my heart baby, I really really truly do.
Rockets and rainbows,
A cute potato.
During the summer months my mum always has people staying with us. From family to friends are house is always full of people. This makes food shopping a little more taxing for my mum. Especially when many times guests have a different opinion on what they want to eat for their meals.
The other night my mum grilled some burgers and hot dogs on the grill. My younger cousin really wanted chicken.. so my mom put 4 chicken breasts on the grill. By the end of dinner the chicken breasts had remained untouched.
Yesterday, I was super hungry and wanted to make a sandwich that I could then bring to the beach with me. All the deli meats and cheeses had been completely devoured and all that lay in my fridge were those 4 pieces of chicken. I pulled out the chicken and placed it on my counter. “What can I do with these pieces of chicken?” I thought.
All of a sudden an idea came to mind: avocado chicken sandwich.
Here’s a quick recipe for your summer picnics! 🙂
Yields 3 Sandwiches
6 pieces of toast
2 tablespoons of Mayonnaise
4 Chicken breasts
1 1/2 avocados
- Begin by cutting the chicken into small bite size pieces.
- Place all the chicken pieces into a small bowl. Mix in the mayonnaise with a fork.
- Toast the bread.
- Dice the avocado.
- Spread mayonnaise over both ends of your bread.
- Place pieces of avocado evenly on your bread. Sprinkle some salt all over the avocado. Place chicken pieces evenly on top of the avocado. Close your sandwich.
- Wrap it up and head to the beach!
Rockets and Rainbows,
July 3rd, 2017. 19:31:48.
I let myself daydream about you, because daydreams don’t hurt.
Daydreams about you are like summer thunderstorms and ice cold lemonade. they are like flannel pajamas and hot chocolate, a favorite song on the radio and every smile you’ve ever know. they are fairy floss and scarlet lipstick, comprised of airy, fluffy innocence, bubblegum scented and sweet enough for toothaches. they are silk strands of thought braided together to form a safety net within my mind.
Daydreams don’t hurt. reality hurts.
Reality is like naked branches clawing at your window and tears freezing on your face. reality is an exhausted pyramid made of crumbling brick and the moist soil around a fresh funeral plot. reality is made up of the rusty taste of pennies, and rain so heavy it sinks right through your skin. reality is a razor, metallic and merciless.
Reality hurts, and the daydreams are my drugs. i am an addict, both disgusted and relieved at my ability to tumble into freshly pressed and carefully scripted lovely little scenes, drenched in rich mental detail.
When i close my eyes, i am with you. sometimes we walk through the woods, losing ourselves in the trees and in each other. the air smells like maple syrup and crackles with the threat of snow, but we balance on the train tracks, holding hands, and catch the flakes on our tongues, kissing mother nature.
Other times, it is flashes of us being domestic and making banana pancakes in your kitchen; i peel the fruit and you pour the batter and we sing along with the radio as it rains. we adjust to each other, maneuvering around the stove like we’re telepathic, and treat ourselves with glasses of apple juice when we sit down to enjoy our meal. then you lean over and use your thumb to whisk away a stripe of pancake batter, and look into my eyes and i know that you love me.
In my head, we go shopping in the mall, trying on ridiculous hats and people watching in the food court. we go to a fancy party, all dressed up in black and glitter, taking delicate sips of champagne and predicting the next celebrity scandal. you’ll kiss me right at midnight, the perfect start to a new day. we go camping, and wear plaid and hiking boots and feed each other marshmallows by the campfire, searching the constellations for something deeper.
I daydream about an apartment in the city, fresh white sheets, red wine and chinese takeout. i daydream about dancing with you at home, the music pulsing like a heartbeat and the lights shifting like a kalidescope. i daydream about walking through sand that looks like sugar, swimming in water that looks like glass. i daydream about the cultured, classy european restaurants and exotic, bustling asian cities. i daydream about a white dress and black bow ties; golden rings and the words i do. i daydream about tawny hair and three blue-eyed children; i daydream about wrinkled hands and rocking chairs and toothless smiles.
So no, maybe we won’t fulfill all my daydreams. maybe we won’t visit china or europe or have three little children or say the words i do.
But as long as i am with you, it doesn’t even matter, because daydreams are not wishes; they are just a hobby to blunt reality and bide time until i can see you and feel everything i’ve always wanted to feel.
I love you.
Biscuits and Sparkles,
Sortir pour un solo run est un moment idéal pour se refléter, videz votre esprit et se concentrer sur vos objectifs, mais il est important d’être en sécurité.
Si vous pouvez exécuter dans la lumière du jour avec des gens autour de lui est toujours plus sûr. Vous pouvez aussi porter le matériel réfléchissant, visible pour s’assurer que les gens vous voient lorsque vous exécutez. Également amener votre téléphone portable, argent et même de poivre de Cayenne peuvent vous aider dans une impasse.
C’est toujours mieux prévenir que guérir lors de l’exécution à l’extérieur seulement. Donc faire les bons choix pour obtenir un excellent entraînement sans compromettre la sécurité avec ces conseils!
1. EXÉCUTER EN PLEIN JOUR
En choisissant de courir dans la lumière du jour vous sentir plus en sécurité, être moins susceptibles de tomber, et les prédateurs sont moins susceptibles d’attaquer.
Il est important de toujours se concentrer sur demain non seulement aujourd’hui et choisir d’être en sécurité est indispensable à un bel avenir! Ainsi fonctionner lorsqu’il est clair, si votre emploi du temps le permet.
2. EXÉCUTEZ À ZONES COMMUNAUTAIRES
Dirigez-vous vers votre parc local pour un cours en cours d’exécution mesuré sur avec les autres coureurs les, les randonneurs et les vététistes près.
Si vous choisissez d’exécuter dans les zones communautaires, vous serez moins susceptible de se heurter à des problèmes avec votre sécurité et vous vous sentirez plus à l’aise. Parfois, j’aime courir autour du parc, car c’est une région pittoresque et contrôlée où vous n’avez pas à vous soucier des voitures va sur votre parcours.
3. APPORTEZ VOTRE TÉLÉPHONE CELLULAIRE
Apportez votre téléphone portable pour écouter de la musique, le réglage de volume faible pour être sûr, et aussi si vous avez accès à téléphoner si vous avez besoin de. J’écoute de la musique sur les haut-parleurs au lieu d’écouteurs parce que, alors que je suis conscient de mon environnement.
Si vous rencontrez des problèmes de sécurité, un téléphone peut vous faire économiser.
4. TOTE LE LONG DE SPRAY AU POIVRE
Être en sécurité et se sentent super sécurisé en exécutant avec spray au poivre. Si un attaquant vous confronte, n’ayez pas peur parce que vous êtes armés et prêts à vous protéger. Pensez sécurité première et vous pouvez exécuter avec confort et facilité, sachant que vous êtes armé.
5. LAISSER UN AMI OU UN MEMBRE DE LA FAMILLE CONNAÎTRE VOTRE ITINÉRAIRE
Ne pas juste faire fonctionner dehors aveuglément.
Informez un ami ou un parent membre votre itinéraire en cours d’exécution et environ combien de temps vous allez être. Si vous prenez plus de temps que prévu, ils sauront où vous trouver par le cours de conduite. Et puis vous aurez une autre série d’yeux veiller sur vous.
6. PORTEZ LES ÉQUIPEMENTS RÉFLÉCHISSANTS
Exécuter avec équipement réfléchissant sur, surtout dans les heures plus tôt ou plus tard dans la journée. Vous voulez être en sécurité et s’assurer que les conducteurs vous voient donc aussi s’assurer de porter des couleurs vives visibles.
7. APPORTER DE L’ARGENT
J’apporte toujours le long d’un billet de vingt dollars rentré dans ma chaussure, juste au cas où ma glycémie tombe et j’ai faim ou il y a une situation d’urgence. Juste Assurez-vous que lorsque vous jetez vos chaussures car ils ne sont plus bons; vous ne jetez pas l’argent à l’intérieur aussi bien.
Alors allez-y et profitez de votre course solo mais assurez-vous d’être en sécurité, intelligents et planifier à l’avance. Vous créez votre avenir par les choix que vous ferez.
Alors, soyez intelligent et ont une très belle course!
à bientôt x
Biscuits and Sparkles,
June 2nd, 2017. 09:29pm
Hi babe! x
You probably thought about the song and it’s okay cause that’s exactly what I’m going to talk about. Let alone the fact you once mentioned a few months ago you wanted me to write another blog post referring to a line of this song we both know and like. It took me long enough to write this, mainly because I didn’t really know what to say although the song makes me feel a million things. After all, it reminds me of you.
I am still deciding whether or not I should make this public, if I should let you read what I think or what springs to my mind every time I listen to this song, simply hear the name of it, or when someone asks me about you. It’s all connected. I don’t want you to get confused, it’s just my perspective. And I’m not going to analyze this the way we analyze a poem, line by line, feeling by feeling.
Just let me explain…
The way I see it, it’s pretty simple. An island in the sun, pretty cliché if you ask me but holds a deep meaning behind once you get into my mind or try to see things my way. I don’t know about you, but what if it really is a sanctuary?
Whaaaaaaaaat? What is she talking about?
You may think.
But what about a sanctuary one person only finds through relationships? I guess I came up with this because I honestly spent so long looking for that someone. For someone to make me feel loved, protected, special, cared about, beautiful. In less words, I spent so much time looking for someone that makes me feel like home.
I’m comparing the term “home” with “sanctuary”. It’s exactly the same. You make me feel protected, safe. I can be myself and never get judged, I can say what I think or believe and you’ll listen no matter what. I cry, I laugh, I smile, I scream and you still stay. I may probably be one of the most annoying, loud and sensitive girls there are on Earth but you stand by me, support me, and put up with my silly attitude. I tell bad jokes, my humour is very stupid and most of the time it never makes sense. Yet you laugh and smile radiantly.
Every time you smile, I feel like I’ve won the lottery. Such a big prize. Almost standing up from my seat and receiving an Oscar for making the most wonderful guy there is in my world smile.
When I’m nearly falling asleep I find myself texting you nonsense stuff about things that probably don’t exist and you still read those and pretend you know what I’m talking about just because. You are my best friend Tom, you are someone I can rely on, the one who even being a thousand miles away stays by my side unconditionally and makes me feel like I matter.
I never imagined I would fall so far into love. I never really imagined I would ever find love at all, like I mentioned before. The kind of love that people dream of, the kind of love that stories are written about and romances are based on. The kind of love that people can only hope to find in the course of their lives. This kind of love I never expected to find, not in my whole life, let alone at such a young age. But the love we share is that of dreams. The kind of connection that two people can only dream of. And I feel so proud to have you. With the chances weighed so heavily against me, like a faint beautiful reflection in a dull mirror. I have you, and I am so lucky to know you.
I love you so much. I want you to know that. We’re both broken, beautifully imperfect. Beautiful wrecks. And that’s what love is, loving someone in spite of their imperfections because they somehow complete you. And you do complete me. I won’t relent loving you. Despite our fights, arguments, our disagreements and our disputes we may have in the future. My love for you recognizes no barriers, it will jump hurdles, leap fences and break down walls.
My love for you knows no distance. I know I get break downs often and cry about you not being here or me being there but just know that I’m patient enough to wait for us to finally be together. To hold each other and feel each other close. I know you are patient too. It hurts and of course it is not easy, but I am sure it’s worth it.
No unit or measurement has ever been invented to gauge just how much love the heart can hold, but I truly feel like I am pushing the limits. Before I met you I was not aware my heart was capable of feeding such love, but you have evoked the best of me.
I also thought about me being there, you know? After all the first thing that comes to our minds –for the one’s who have never been to ‘straya- when we mention Australia is basically an island under the sun. I’m serious. HOT enough for our blood to boil in three seconds. Or so I believe.
Once you asked me to listen to it I said “oh wow, the song probably talks about his country” but after listening to it, all I could think of as I carefully analyzed each line was “I want to be there”. I pictured myself finally taking the plane, landing, and ringing you telling you I was already there. Happiness overload, tears for sure ran down my cheeks as I listened and your smiley face kept showing up in my head saying that it will all be okay in the end and that we will both enjoy being together.
Away from any problem, away from the frustration, the sadness. Everything we sometimes feel at the thought of us being so far away from each other. It will all disappear. We will be okay and we’ll know it is worth it. We are worth it baby.
The song to me, is inspiring. It is because that means that all we as people need to feel better is each other.
You’re my island in the sun.
We are all each other’s islands in the sun.
Biscuits and sparkles,
Sunday March 19th, 12:48:34 pm.
To Thomas Matikainen.
Just thought you should know about this too.
You are perfect in ways that no one else seems to see. And maybe you are not perfect to everyone, but you are a to that select few: that few that like to look into your eyes and that find comfort in the tones of your voice. You are perfect to those that find mystery in your mind, in your habits, in the laughter that spills out between your lips unexpectedly. You are perfect in the way you glance at people and the way you stare. In the way your heart ticks, your breath frosts the air on a cold morning, the way you lather your body with soap in the shower. You are perfect, you are perfect, you are perfect.
Please don’t forget it.
Someone got frustrated at me because I won’t give up on you. They said: “isn’t it discouraging?” To not know if we’ll be together, he means.
The only way I can explain it is that it’s not a matter of whether I’m discouraged or someone has to convince me to love you…
Nothing can take away from the fact that I am in love with you. Nothing can change the fact that you are the only person who has ever made me feel this way. This isn’t a contract or a goal I have to accomplish to achieve a prize. There’s nothing to encourage me or discourage the way I feel. It’s just a simple matter of the fact that I love you. So how could I possibly not keep faith and hope? Love isn’t a choice, it’s a choice on what you do with it. And as long as there is hope that we’ll be together, then I’ll be here.
Of course, my co-worker doesn’t get it because like most people, he just wants to date people to not be lonely. So he’s never met the right person yet.
But still. I wish more people understood. I don’t want you so I can stop being alone or to be cared for, I have friends and family who care for me very much. I don’t mind being alone, of course I’d rather be with you. But it’s not my reason for why I want to be with you.
I just don’t understand why they can’t understand that I want to be with you because I love you. I love your smile, your eyes, your voice, your personality, your mind, your heart, just you. It’s you I want to wake up to and go to bed with. It’s you I want to talk to about everything and nothing with. It’s you I want to know every which way. It’s you. No one else is YOU and could ever be YOU.
So where’s the logic in being with just anybody who may or may not have the same interests as me? I don’t even care if they care about me, if they’re attracted to me, or if they think they love me. They’re not you.
Everything about romance and relationships and partnership and all of that is meaningless if it’s not the right person, if it’s not you.
It’s only you.
Yes, I’m lonely. I’m sad. I’m frustrated (not at you, but the circumstance) but I’d rather be missing you every second of the day and waiting for you than to be with anyone else ever. Anyone else would be a waste of time.
You’re it. You’re my person.
So I keep faith and hope that my love is enough to make you stay.
Biscuits and sparkles,
You are more than I hoped to find, and I am so grateful for you.
February 14th, 2017
I spent days writing this. I have been quite frustrated by the fact that I am not “that” allowed to mail stuff to your place the way you did. I felt pretty upset cause I can’t do much when it comes to special days like… exactly today. Today marks not only Valentine’s day to you but also two months since we first started talking -also a little reminder that it was the 14th to me when you first texted although it was the 15th to you. Bit messed up but I guess you understand.
My point is, this is what I can actually do for you.
I stutter a lot when we are on the phone, I swallow some words when we talk and that’s mainly cause I get nervous around you, in a good way. I am always writing about you whenever I find time to and I wanted to let you know how much my life has changed ever since you came into my life. I know this is not that good, -maybe it is- but I do this because I love you so so so so so soooooo much.
Take this little post as a pressie or just as some other letter, it’s up to you. I just need you to understand how proud I am to have you and how much I love you. Get ready cause here it goes baby.
You know what’s indescribable? My love for you. It goes beyond my own grasp of understanding. It reaches past anything I have ever felt before. It grows and encompasses everything. There are no suitable words in this language that I could possibly string together to describe it. This kind of love isn’t always easy. Each day doesn’t end like the ones where our bodies are curled together, quietly sharing every thought and story we can think of. Too many days end in one minute phone calls or unread messages, the feeling of constantly missing someone, tears, anger, and loneliness. But in those days my love for you still grows. I am working on trying to make those bad days few and far between. It is an incredible challenge, but it is one that I do not intend to lose for the sake of this love.
Your deep bright blue eyes sparkle, your shiny blonde hair that I want to run my hands through, your soft voice that can coax me to be kind instead of playing tricks like I usually do. Your jokes, puns, and nicknames never cease to make me laugh. Your cute little smile that opens up like a present. I never get tired of seeing it, and when you really laugh, I laugh too cause your happiness is contagious.
I’m beginning to think you are the one I want.
You saved me in so many ways.
You came along at such an unexpected time. That time everyone tells you will eventually come, but you never truly believe will. When you’re still reminiscing through the old photos of you and the one who decided to walk out the door, trying painfully to push them out of your consciousness. When you think you are irreparably broken. When no amount of glue, or duct tape, or comforting words from your friends ever seem to be enough to make you feel whole. And when that kind of pain cuts deeper than any knife can, isn’t that what we all want? To feel a little more whole and a little less broken?
And then in some sort of cosmic intervention, there you were.
There you were, and I asked myself a million times how our paths couldn’t have crossed before. How someone like you had been hidden away from me for so long. I quickly decided it was because something as good as you wasn’t supposed to be experienced right away, as I would have needed more time to make my mistakes and have my heart broken before I could be truly ready for you. One look at you, and somehow I knew your smile would ruin me, and it was the beginning of the end of life as I had known it in my past. A life that felt like a blur of meaningless instances from one to the next, now had significance again.
Suddenly, I found myself smiling just a little more for no reason, wondering what you were doing in that exact moment I was sitting and thinking of you. Laughing out loud at your witty and sarcastic comebacks, in a way that I almost forgot I still could. Deliberating in my own mind how something could actually feel this good again. I wanted to dive head first into a love with you that consumed me, and the way you carefully took your time was hard for the impatient person in me to understand in that moment. You made me remember just how blissful and heavenly that feeling of falling for someone was, and how something so good just shouldn’t be rushed. You got to know me, cautiously yet vigilantly. At times you even felt too good to be true.
But there you were, bravely deciding you wouldn’t run, even though every fiber of your being reminded you how terrifying it was to open yourself up to the possibility that I could destroy you — the way someone else once did. I understand that. I was terrified, too. But you stayed, while I tirelessly worked to pick up all the shattered pieces of my soul and put them back together.
I think the reason people feel broken is because when love is lost, a part of us really does break. Like a part of our brain being deprived of oxygen, we find it hard to breathe, hard to get out of bed in the morning, hard to make meaning in what we used to. And then something or someone comes along, and injects a shot of lightning into our lifeless souls, and slowly but surely, we wake from that dream. We learn how to put one foot in front of the other, and see the significance in the smallest of joys. The broken parts of us get the fixing they need. And you did that for me.
Sometimes the light within us dims. And then by fate or chance, or maybe even luck, someone like you shows me that that light can burn bright once again. So thank you for fixing me. Thank you for fixing what I thought was permanently broken. Thank you for not running away when you found me damaged and less than complete. Thank you for reminding me what it feels like to be whole. You may never know how much you truly saved me. But I hope that every day I offer you my mended heart, as dented and bruised as it may be, you know that it’s yours. It’s the most precious gift I could ever give you. And maybe the light that now shines bright in me will help yours burn a little brighter too.
I am not quite sure I know what is different with you, but you make me feel like I’ve finally been found. You make my heart begin to fizz and bubble and jump – I feel myself falling more and more in love with you everyday. You make me wanna be better and I promise that I will be, for you.
The sound your kisses make through a phone call left me spinning and I swear your lips taste like stardust. I swear for a minute, I could fly. The warmth of your smile makes me feel like I am the sun, beaming and shining. I don’t know what I did to deserve you but please, don’t disappear into the night sky and find a galaxy that suits you more. Stay with me and let’s create constellations and name them after ourselves; let’s be the moon and the sun, the asteroids and the comets- black matter and the vastness of space.
Happy Valentine’s day baby, and thanks for being my hero.
ps. This is not part of the surprise I talked about yesterday. I asked you to forget about it but just so you know.
Rockets and Rainbows,
Your little girl.
January 26th, 2017.
To the boy who makes my heart pump faster; I love you.
I always will.
Your deep blue eyes torment me, my fingers crave to touch your hair. Please forgive me for what I feel, please forgive me because I need you everyday, just a little bit of you.
When I’m with you I’m so high, but when I’m without you, I keep feeling let down. I don’t know if the lows feel so low because they truly are or if it is because the highs are so high I come crashing down for the tiniest things. You got me feeling some type of way. And by that, I mean; I am a giggling awkward mess, but it’s okay because I’m sure the sky has never looked so blue and my cheeks hurt so much from smiling and these are the problems people should have in their lives. I am so glad I met you.
You amaze me every single day. The way you talk, the way you laugh. The way you make time for me no matter how busy you might be. The way your happiness becomes contagious even when I am having a bad day. It’s those late night phone calls I get that I would never regret, those phone calls that always make my day. It’s the effort I put every night, call me crazy; but I set six alarms every hour from 12am so I can text you back or at least have a few minutes more with you. It’s those smiles you draw on my face, the silent moments, the slight and awkward giggle when you say something funny, the one you can’t really hear. It’s the happy tears that run down my face when you compliment me, when you say I’m beautiful or when you say you want to spend the rest of your life with me.
I’ve never felt this way about anyone, I may have been close to that feeling with someone before but I swear, nothing as good and as close as what I am feeling for you right now. Everything just feels right when I’m with you, it doesn’t matter if it’s only you behind a screen. You have helped me so much. You gave me hope when no one else could, you made me see life from a different angle, suddenly; everything looked beautiful.
You helped me gain confidence in myself. I no longer have to hide who I really am, I can actually be my own self and know you won’t judge me. Even when I send a selfie that I don’t like that much or when I find myself ugly or wearing an oversized jumper along with a messy bun, you say I look beautiful. The way you look at me is something so amazing that I can never find the right words to describe the feeling. I even forget how to speak English when I’m in front of you. I smile a lot, my cheeks turn red and start burning… you never fail to make me feel loved.
Like you once said, “that person has always been out there, you just had to find it”
I couldn’t agree more. I’m guessing that someone is you.
I finally found someone that looks at me as if I were the one who puts the stars in the sky. I finally found someone that has no problem giving me something that he might not get back, which is his time. I finally found someone that makes time to hear my voice or just to hear about my day. Sometimes, when I become speechless; he only listens to my breathing or my awkward sounds when I think of something funny during the call… he actually stays and talks to me.
I finally found someone that loves me for who I am and I couldn’t be happier. That someone, is you. Tom Matikainen.
I love you so unbelievably much and my heart feels like exploding every time I look at you or listen to that beautiful voice of yours that sometimes ends up taking my breath away.
We can do this, I know for sure.
I will love you forever, no matter what.
ps. I love you babyyyy x
Rockets and Rainbows,
I’ve seen many bloggers do this and I decided to give it a try. After all this is something we all have done, setting goals for each one of us every single year. Some of us actually manage to complete them, while others try and some others may completely forget about them or give up cause they seem impossible. Last year I managed to complete 50% of them, which is seriously a sad outcome. Here’s to the 2017, new year, new goals, new aspirations that I am glad to share with you all. Here it goes!!
- Get good grades.
Moving to a different city and going to a school full of people you don’t really know anything about is a hard task. Many things distracted me last year about this, mostly because I was more focused on a guy and trying to make friends that I completely forgot the whole purpose about school. So dear future self, LET’S GET GOOD GRADES!!
2. Enjoy my senior year.
As I mentioned before, moving to a different place is not easy. Not when nobody knows anything about you or when people aren’t willing to befriend you. It is hard as hell. Trying to fit in, make friends and being social are definitely not my forte. Making new friends has never been hard for me cause I’m really picky when it comes to friendships. I’ve been let down so many times by people I never thought would and that’s what I am working on. Enjoying my last high school year no matter what, whatever happens, happens.
Life is a rollercoaster that only goes up my frieeeeend…
3. Get into that Australian uni.
That is my most important goal, but I placed it as a third option cause it’s a bit less important than high school right now, gotta survive senior year first! My plan is to move to Australia as soon as I get enough money to pay for it. Considering Raffles, Whitehouse Institute of Design, UTS, and TAFE. Those are my top 4 and might also want to add Curtin Uni. Got to get good grades for that and lots of effort, I’d really love to develop my skills.
4. Start my Youtube channel (my own)
Yes I have posted some videos using my friend’s account but I might want to take it to the next level and create one of my own in which I could actually post my own stuff and basically do whatever I want. I have sort of an idea of what my channel might be about but I really need to work on that too so… let’s make it a double goal here.
5. Finish reading some books
Sounds a bit silly but I started reading a saga three years ago now and haven’t finished reading the fourth book… Hush Hush’s saga seems impossible to finish mostly because I don’t have enough time to or simple forget that book exists. I really want to know how it ends so that’s also a goal I should keep in mind.
This one’s a bit specific though, but I’d love to travel as much as possible. Right now my main goal is to get to Sydney, Australia. Have already booked some trips to the most beautiful beaches in México, yaaaay!
7. Enjoy my job
Working so many shifts in different days is hard. But it becomes harder when each one of them last around 8 hours. My main goal is to actually enjoy it, I chose that job because I love doing that and people seriously appreciate what I do. Let’s get to work, get enough money and go wherever I want to, aka. kangaroo land, aka. Australia.
8. Be there for him.
Yes you, I’m talking about you. To the ones who don’t have a clue of what I am talking about just know this last goal is dedicated to someone that happens to be real special to me and someone I really care about. I know we met online, I know sometimes we don’t talk that much because the time zonings are horrendous -you being 17 hours ahead of me is not that rad- but I promise I’ll be there for you as much as I can. So, kangaroo land boy, you know this is about you.
I’ll see you in Australia soon!!
SPOILER ALERT: I might get there by September and if not, hopefully by January 2018. -Need to fix my visa, eeek- I love you.
Biscuits and Sparkles,
“If I am in love with you, I will love all of you. Even if you’re far at distance, even when it gets hard, maybe even when you have betrayed me. I am in love with everything that makes you, you. I love your pain, your suffering, all of your sadness along with how mad you can get at silly stuff, or how jealous you get when other boys want to talk to me. But just know I am in love with you. And I will always want just you”
December 27th, 2016. 14:44
To whom it may concern…
Long distance relationships.
Twenty three letters.
To you, it may seem like nothing, but to someone else, it’s something big, and beautiful. It starts off as a simple, innocent message with the intent of finding someone interesting to talk to. When you first send the message, you’re excited, because you find the person attractive in one way or another, but think little of it, because of course, at first glance you wouldn’t just assume you’re gonna date someone from another country. At first, you just talk casually, trying to keep the conversation going, but the awkwardness just keeps growing more and more. That is, until you find (a) common interest(s), and then the conversation sparks. Thoughts are flying in every direction, and without even knowing it, you’re already growing attached to this person.
They brighten your days. They show you the good in the bad. They show you things from a different perspective. And they make you so incredibly happy. With all the good, there has to be some bad. After the thrill of realizing you have that special someone wears off, the fighting kicks in, and the strength of your relationship is questioned. You think back to the beginning, and how it felt like you were on a high. You think that it’s crazy how quickly things can change. You want to give up, throw in the towel, brush off the sadness. but you can’t. because you realize that without that person, the darkness would drown you. They’re your life preserver, and without them, the impending waves would take you under before you have the chance to take a breathe. They annoy you to no end. They make you so mad that you have to force yourself to relax. They make you sad. So, so sad. That you can feel it crawling up your throat from your chest. But you can’t give up. because giving up would mean giving in, and if the other person hasn’t yet, that must mean that there’s still some hope, right? After all the fighting, you realize that you’re so connected to the other, on an emotional level, that the thoughts from before of letting go, make you feel like a complete idiot. Within the span of months, or even weeks, they’ve become your everything. And you never have to worry with them. You could look like complete crap, and they wouldn’t care. Mostly because they aren’t there to see it, but also, because they’re too in love with you’re very being, to care.
This is why when people say dating someone far away is dumb, I have to disagree.
Yes, it’s hard to be in a long distance relationship because of not being together physically and not feeling each other’s presence. You cannot hold each other’s hand neither kiss and hug. You cannot see one another whenever you wanted and needed to. You cannot do things together like the normal couple does. You’ll still miss each other even though you talk all night long, sadness will remain on heart after your conversation because you’re longing for real conversation and wanting to feel how it’s like being done face-to-face. You cannot eat pizzas, burgers or fries together whenever you’re hungry. When one’s sick, you cannot take care, give medicines and be with each other for the rest of the night. You cannot serenade and give goodnight and good morning kisses. You cannot watch him/her fall asleep by your side. You cannot go to places you wanted and spend hours together. You cannot feel how these things are done in a real world, in a real presence, in reality. But still, you know that one day you will.
Biscuits and Sparkles,
“Leaving is not enough. You must stay gone. Train your heart like a dog. Change the locks even on the house he’s never visited. You lucky, lucky girl. You have an apartment just your size. A bathtub full of tea. A heart the size of Arizona, but not nearly so arid. Don’t wish away your cracked past, your crooked toes, your problems are papier mache puppets you made or bought because the vendor at the market was so compelling you just had to have them. You had to have him. And you did. And now you pull down the bridge between your houses, you make him call before he visits, you take a lover for granted, you take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic. Make the first bottle you consume in this place a relic. Place it on whatever altar you fashion… Don’t lose too much weight. Stupid girls are always trying to disappear as revenge. And you are not stupid. You loved a man with more hands than a parade of beggars, and here you stand. Heart like a four-poster bed. Heart like a canvas. Heart leaking something so strong they can smell it in the street.”
(Frida Kahlo to Marty McConnell) – Marty McConnell.
I’ve spent three years building a wall. A wall to prohibit hurtful words and heartbreak. I built it so I wouldn’t feel, never dreaming I’d actually accomplish the feat.
I did. I built a wall so high, so wide it kept everything out— heartbreak, anger, jealousy, grief and the good things like love, affection, kindness. This wall I dreamed of, it destroyed the emotional element that makes my person who I am. Until recently, that was okay. My focus centered on school, both athletic performance and academic superiority. Inability to properly display emotion didn’t matter.
Except now it does. I’ve got a crush, and more importantly friendships to cultivate. But, if I’m honest I’m not quite sure how to do so. I want to say “I love you, I care about you” but the words die in my throat or end up getting deleted moments after I type them out. I want to display my affections through actions and touch yet my body won’t move. Not for him, not for them.
It’s a curious thing, this inability or more specifically this internal struggle. Things I used to be able to say and do with ease are now so foreign my brain struggles to comprehend it, let alone actually do it. I’m having to just spit it out and try not to cringe as I do so.
I don’t want to fear emotion, I want to feel. I want to feel sincerely. I want to be able to tell people they’re appreciated and loved, and not feel like I just uttered the dumbest, most illogical statement in the world because love is strong and there’s nothing less about it.
So it’s been three years of solitude, of nothingness and I want to tell you it did absolutely nothing for me (perhaps I’ve been more into self-discovery but the wall isn’t necessary for that) and now I’ve just got to reintroduce emotion— the legitimacy of feeling back into my life, it’s going to be a long road.
So from me to you: don’t build it. No matter how much it hurts, embrace the hurt. Cry, scream if you must, but don’t built the damn wall. It’s only going to hurt you long term. Embrace the emotions you possess, they are the gateway to love and living your life in the fullest sense.
Biscuits and sparkles,